A very happy, cold and windy day to you all. First, I just want to thank all of those who believed in me, stood by me and did their best to defend me. I wouldn't forgive myself if I did not mention Dr. MacLeod and the entire Geoscience Department at the University of Missouri-Columbia, and of course (most) of my family and friends. It has been a rough era, especially the last few thousand years of the Quaternary period. I knew one day science would vindicate me so that I may live the rest of my life in peace. Sure, I've done my share for animal population control; burning ants with a magnifying glass, swatting flies, eating delicious animals, recommending my friends get their pets spayed or neutered, and now dooming mice. But I have never never ever wiped out an entire species!
For all of you mammals, and your ancestors, who have avoided making eye contact with me for the last several millenia, I hope we can move forward. Today I stand before you, not a bitter revenge-minded man (although some of you do look tasty), but a free man. A man free of the misplaced guilt of wiping out an entire species over 65-million years ago. A man free to live his life in the way men were meant to live their life in this post-dinosaur era.
Now, I must go. I am running late for my job at the paper mill where I supervise "legal" waste disposal operations. Plus, I need to stop and gas up my Hummer (hell, it takes a good half-hour to fill'er up).
2 comments:
I thought I was supposed to be the weird brother who said weird things. I'm turning out to be the normal one. Or what passes for normal, these days.
I like how in the little illustration that accompanies the CNN story, the 6-mile-wide asteroid appears to be a bit bigger than Texas.
You know, one aspect of the ideas behind the "Jurassic Park" books and movies that I've never thought of until now: Dinosaurs as food. I bet they tasted good. If I could clone them (or just hop back in time to round up some brontosaurs), I'd open a restaraunt called "Jurassic Pork" and sell the suckers grilled.
If I lived in some trendy SoCal suburb, I'd also consider opening a Cambrian jellyfish soup shop. It would have limited appeal, I know, but surely it could compete with the places that sell fish tacos.
Don't forget to give credit to The Flintstones...they had Brontosaurus Burgers. I believe the series finale of The Flintstones had Fred die of a massive coronary from eating these burgers. So, obviously, you may have some PR problems.
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