A very happy, cold and windy day to you all. First, I just want to thank all of those who believed in me, stood by me and did their best to defend me. I wouldn't forgive myself if I did not mention Dr. MacLeod and the entire Geoscience Department at the University of Missouri-Columbia, and of course (most) of my family and friends. It has been a rough era, especially the last few thousand years of the Quaternary period. I knew one day science would vindicate me so that I may live the rest of my life in peace. Sure, I've done my share for animal population control; burning ants with a magnifying glass, swatting flies, eating delicious animals, recommending my friends get their pets spayed or neutered, and now dooming mice. But I have never never ever wiped out an entire species!
For all of you mammals, and your ancestors, who have avoided making eye contact with me for the last several millenia, I hope we can move forward. Today I stand before you, not a bitter revenge-minded man (although some of you do look tasty), but a free man. A man free of the misplaced guilt of wiping out an entire species over 65-million years ago. A man free to live his life in the way men were meant to live their life in this post-dinosaur era.
Now, I must go. I am running late for my job at the paper mill where I supervise "legal" waste disposal operations. Plus, I need to stop and gas up my Hummer (hell, it takes a good half-hour to fill'er up).
